Yo A$$ Is GRA$$: Tales From a Rednek Gangsta Read online

  Yo A$$ Is GRA$$: Tales From a Rednek Gangsta

  by

  Jimmy M.F. Pudge

  http://www.jpudge.com

  First Kindle Edition, 2011

  What Readers Be Saying Bout Yo Boy Jimmy M.F.ing Pudge

  “I didn’t even know you could read, Jimmy.”

  - L’il Squirrel

  “Boy, I know you just didn’t pull that manuscript out your asshole.”

  - Offica Jackson

  “That Jimmy Pudge sure do know how to write a story.”

  - Big Outlaw

  “Get the fuck out my face before I kill you.”

  - Fudge Round

  “I don’t know how you got my personal email, but yes, I read the story, Jimmy. Don’t email it to me again.”

  - Offica Allen, Jimmy’s probation offica

  “Do I know you?”

  - Some fine honey with nice tits and a beautiful ass Jimmy undressed with his eyes at the Dollar Tree.

  Want to know what Jimmy M.F. Pudge is up to? For more information bout yo partna in crime and to learn what books are fixing to drop, go: http://www.jpudge.com

  Dear Partnas in Crime:

  I wish to thank all y'all dirty mothafuckas for giving me the opportunity to share with you a series of stories I wrote over the course of several years while incarcerated for some bullshit charges.

  I also wish to thank my former cellmate L'il Swiss Roll for allowing me to tattoo my story ideas on his back. If it hadn’t been for yo punk ass, I wouldn’t have remembered those details. Much love to ya, little homie.

  Y’all bout to enter into a magical place, filled with all kinds of magical thangs. From cock sucking vampires to piss guzzling zombies — I gots yo fix right here.

  Peece . . .

  Table of Contentz

  Everything She Touch Turn to Doo Doo

  The Parade

  The Wine, the Bitch, and the Broom Closet

  Good Omen

  Pissing the Night Away

  Bob’s Country Store

  I Wish That I Had Jeffrey’s Girl

  Stone Cold

  Everything She Touch Turn to Doo Doo

  There was a time in my life when everything was golden. I had a good job as a local street pharmacist, 9-5 hours, Monday through Friday, and possible house calls on the weekend, providing you shared the merchandise.

  But then everything fell apart, unraveling to the mothafucking core. It all began when I met Trudy Boo, the most beautiful ho that worked the South Side. Her skin was as white as computer paper, her hair as golden as a dehydrated man’s pee pee, and her watermelons shook like water balloons as she paraded down the streets.

  Yeah, I know what you thinking. You thinking, what about that ass? Man, it was round as the sun and made your eyes water if you stared too long. I was all up in that booty . . . but I digress. Let me gets back to my tale.

  So anyway, the first time I seen that bitch walking around the corner, my heart skipped a beat. It wasn’t from no cocaine usage either. I was sitting on the porch steps of my Mama’s trailer when she come flaunting by in tight ass little denim shorts and a shirt that barely stretched past those voluptuous titties. It was one of them thin white NASCAR shirts, and she wasn’t wearing no bra.

  “Let me holla at you a minute, bitch,” I said, smooth as I could. I could hear my voice crack, so I gave her a hundred-yard stare to make up for it. It also made me look deep!

  “You want to tag this ass?” she said, smacking those cock sucking lips.

  When I didn’t respond, she rolled her eyes and stuck a French manicured finger in her mouth, slowly pushing it in, then pulling it out. I tried to swallow, but my throat was too dry.

  “What yo name is, ho?” I squeaked.

  “Trudy,” she said with a giggle.

  “Trudy what?” I asked.

  “Trudy Boo,” she said, grinning.

  I liked to shit my pants when I seen them sparkling white teeths, not one a missing. Something was wrong with that. Hos just don’t have all they teeths. She gots to be five-oh, under the cover.

  “You five-oh?” I asked, my eyes roaming her body like a savage beast. I wanted to shred that meat up! Holla!

  “Hell naw, I ain’t the five-oh,” she said. “And what you selling?”

  “Bitch, you must think I’m stupid or something. You gots to prove to me you ain’t police.”

  “Alright then,” she said, lifting up her shirt, exposing the pinkest, hardest nipples I had ever seen.

  My eyes liked to pop out my head. My little man liked to pop out my britches. I lost all sense of time. It was like I was high on the chronic, tripping hard. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest like I’d just drank too much coffee that had been made from a coffee filter laced in meth.

  “I don’t know,” I whimpered, licking my lips. “Police pretty tricky these days. I don’t think that’s enough to convince yo boy.”

  “Then maybe this will convince your scared ass,” Trudy Boo said, dropping to her knees, in the filthy red mud, crawling up to me like a sexy lioness about to pounce. Before I even knew what was happening, my dick was out of my pants and into her mouth. I looked around the trailer park. It was 10 a.m. and everything appeared to be deserted. I sure hoped old Mrs. Thomas didn’t pop out that door for the morning paper. She’d probably call my Mama, say, ‘Your son was letting some ho slob his pee pee on your front porch, Patricia.’

  Suddenly, old girl popped her head up, wiped her mouth off and asked me if I wanted to take this inside.

  “I don’t know,” I said, stuffing my junk back in my trunks. “My Moms is sleeping.”

  “That too bad,” Trudy said. She winked at me, then turned, her pee yellow hair slapping against the back of her tight little T-shirt. I could see her back through the thin white fabric. She had angel wings tattooed on it. My eyes roamed south, and I could see the edges of her snow white ass cheeks peeking out from behind those tight ass denim shorts as her long, silky legs widened the distance between us.

  “Hold up, bitch!” I yelled. “What yo rates is?”

  Trudy spun around. “What you selling?”

  “You know I got the, cr-cr-crack to the rock.”

  “I don’t know,” Trudy said. “I ain’t never tried no crack before. You ain’t got no weed?”

  I held my hands over my ears. “Oh, I know, know I didn’t just hear that shit. Girl, once you go crack, you never come back. You feels me?”

  “I don’t know,” Trudy said, her hands on her hips. “Are there any weed dealers in the trailer park?”

  “Are there any weed dealers in the trailer park?” I said, getting mad. “Bitch, I own this mothafucking trailer park!” I spread my arms as wide as I could. “This shit is all to the mothafucking mine. You feels me?”

  “There ain’t no telling what they mix with the cocaine around here to make that crack,” Trudy Boo said. “I know too many that went before their time because they fucked around with that shit.”

  I smiled. “Hold up, you questioning my product? Girl, I use only the best baking soda and flour Wal-Mart has to offer. I cooked this batch this mothafucking mawning,” I said, standing up from the porch and retrieving it out of my neighbor’s mailbox.

  I opened the plastic bag and removed three rocks. “What you give me for these?” I asked.

  “Hmm…” she said, eyeing the crack in my hand. “What about some filatio?”

  “Fuh … what?” I asked.

  “Boy, you stupid.” She rolled her eyes as I watched her, dumbfounded. “A blowjob,” she finally said.

  I smacked my lips, got a real serious expression on my face. I touched my chin with
my thumb like those lawyers do in court when making they points to the jury. “Alright, then,” I said. I stood up off the porch steps. “Hold up a minute,” I said. “I gots to check and see if the coast is clear.”

  I quietly opened the door and stepped inside, tiptoeing across the floor.

  “Mama, you awake?” I whispered. “Mama?”

  Her bedroom door was slightly ajar. I pushed it open, put my head inside. She was in the bed, on her stomach, snoring away. I saw her purse on the dresser. I crept, opened the purse, took out five dollars in case that ho had any special deals.

  Trudy Boo was sitting on the porch steps when I came back, and I could see her booty crack.

  “It clear, girl,” I said, turning back. “Just don’t be screaming too loud when my dick cream pops you in the mouth.”

  “Hey,” she said.

  I turned and saw her standing at the screen door.

  “You’ve got to invite me in,” she said, her face pressed against the screen, disheveled hair blowing in the breeze.

  I walked up to the screen door, examined her. “You sure you ain’t five-oh?”

  She lifted the left side of her shirt, a breast popping out, grabbing the soft, white flesh, taking the pink nipple and huge areola in her mouth, sucking. She brought her mouth up and smiled at me, then tongued that hard, jutting nipple. I had to look away before I came all up in my pants.

  “Come in,” I said.

  She stepped inside, stripped out her clothes in one fluid motion and let out a primal little grunt.

  “Girl, be quiet,” I said. “My Mama’s trying to sleep. She’ll kick us out if we wake her up.”

  Trudy jumped on me then, and we fell on the dirty blue shag carpet, our bodies entwined. Her tongue darting in and out of my mouth like an angry snake striking.

  Small, delicate fingers in my pants, around my shaft. I pulled down them pants like the mothafuckas was on fire, and she slid down my belly, her hair tickling my skin. I felt her lips on my head. “Tell me before you come, okay?”

  I nodded my head.

  I felt my dick in her mouth.

  I moaned and looked down at her as she worked that magic.

  I grabbed her head and held on with dear life.

  She was an expert

  A magician

  A goddamn Leonardo Davinci.

  And then I screamed. Lord knows I screamed. Something was wrong here. She released my dick from between her lips with a large popping sound and looked up, her eyes catching mine, smiling. Blood trailing down the sides of her mouth. Wild fucking eyes.

  “Blah, blah!” Trudy said with a giggle, “I’m a vampire! I vant to suck your dick!” It was a cheesy ass Romanian accent.

  “You stupid,” I whispered.

  She hissed, pulling those dick lips apart, revealing a set of fangs that looked sharp as scalpels.

  I tried pushing her off.

  “No!” I screamed, but she was on it again, biting into it, ripping my little man apart in her nasty ass mouth.

  “Please, no!” I said, as she kept sucking and sucking.

  I don’t know when exactly I changed my tune, but at some point I grabbed that head of hair and pressed her into it, telling her not to stop. “Do it, bitch,” I said. “Do it.”

  I erupted all at once, and she spit it out, a dirty look on her face. I thought that was odd, considering she liked to swallow my blood.

  “Tell me before you come next time,” she said.

  My dick looked like a cheap red hotdog, blood still oozing from the sides. I sat up and felt lightheaded.

  I reached in my pocket and pulled the five bucks out I’d stolen from Mama. I tried handing it to her, but she shook her head.

  “The crack,” she said.

  I nodded and tried leaning down to pick up my pants. I fell to the carpet.

  “You’ll be okay,” she said. “It’s just the blood loss.”

  “Let me asks you a question, girl,” I said. “You a vampire, right?”

  She nodded her head as she picked my jeans up off the floor and rummaged around in the pockets for the crack rock.

  “Then why you walking around in the daylight?”

  She pulled out the bag of crack, a smile on her angelic face. “Sunblock,” she muttered, opening the bag, extracting a rock.

  “I’ve never used this shit before. Is it really good?”

  I nodded my head.

  “If it’s not, I’m going to kill you.”

  “I stand by my product, bitch.”

  She smelled it. Licked it.

  “No, no, no!” I said, getting angry. “You smoke that shit. Get my glass dick out my pants.”

  “This?” she said, pulling out my crack pipe.

  “Hellz yeah. Smoke that mothafucka.”

  She lit up in my Mama’s trailer.

  “Bitch!” I said, “Not in my Mama’s house!”

  She coughed violently, smoke escaping from her mouth.

  “Hold that shit in as long as you can, baby,” I said, my skin beginning to itch. The overwhelming urge to smoke up hit me. “Pass it to me. I show you the right way to do it.”

  Three rocks later, and we was laughing and rolling around on the floor together.

  “I’m hungry,” she said, fangs protruding.

  I pulled out my dick.

  “No,” she said. “I might kill you.” She smelled the air. “I’ll be right back.”

  Poof.

  She was gone, faster than I could snap my fingers.

  Mama screamed. I tried to sit up, but I was too fucked up. I grabbed the edge of the couch and lifted myself. I lost my grip and smacked my head on the floor, then I threw up on myself.

  What a bad fucking trip this was.

  Trudy appeared above me, blood smeared all over her face, drops of crimson splattering on my chest.

  “Bitch, I know you didn’t wake up my mama,” I said.

  “She’ll never wake up again.”

  “Bitch!” I screamed. “Who gonna pay the rent on this mothafucking trailer now? Huh?”

  “That crack is the shit,” she said. “I want to smoke some more.”

  “We just smoked the last of my batch,” I said.

  “Make more.”

  “I ain’t gots no more cocaine.”

  “I need more!” Trudy screamed, picking me up off the floor and tossing me against the wall. I went through the particle board and landed in the kitchen.

  That crazy cunt.

  “How the hell am I gonna make some more?” I said. You think cocaine just grows up out the ground or some shit? Naw. Naw, cocaine be costing bank!”

  She approached me, visibly shaking, more pallid than before. She could have been made of white marble.

  She looked like Death.

  That bitch was gonna kill me.

  Instead she took a seat beside me on the kitchen floor and ran ice cold fingers through my hair. “You don’t have any money?”

  “Nope,” I said.

  She stood up. And then she was gone.

  Five hours later, I was a cooking fool, and she was smoking all the product.

  Trudy was getting increasingly paranoid too. She made me cook naked, to make sure I wasn’t stealing no rocks for myself.

  I had become a love slave, cooking crack rock for Cunt Dracula.

  “Where you got all that cocaine?” I’d ask her.

  “I found it,” she’d say with a wink. But I knew the truth. I could read it in her red eyes; that bitch had killed some hardcore gangstas.

  I don’t know how much time passed, whether minutes, days or years, because I was fucked up the entire time I’d known Trudy Boo. I’d cook, she’d suck blood from my dick, and I’d pull it out before I came in her mouth. At first it was fun, but then body parts started falling off me. My left ear fell into the frying pan one morning.

  “What the hell is wrong with me?”

  “Nothing,” Trudy said. “I bit you, so you’ll slowly fall apart.”

  “Say wh
at?”

  “You’re what they call a ghoul now.”

  “Well, turn me into a mothafucking vampire then.”

  “We’ll see,” Trudy said.

  Every now and then, they’d be a knock at the door, and some of my customers would want to know what product I had for sell. I’d invite them inside, and it hurt my heart, watching that beautiful bitch eats my sources of income.

  I wanted to kill her.

  I planned to kill her.

  But then she’d show me those pink, puffy nipples and lick at them with that serpent tongue. I’d melt to the floor and she’d ride me sometimes, her big boobs flopping. Other times she’d give me the bloody blow job.

  At nights we’d smoke crack and fuck.

  Just before dawn, I’d rub her down with sun block, and we’d fall asleep on my waterbed.

  We fell into this habit. Everyday it was the same thing until it got to the point where she couldn’t do anything anymore but smoke crack rock.

  I was getting fed up with the bullshit.

  One early morning I decided to rub some vegetable oil on her instead of sun block. Bitch was so stoned, she didn’t notice. I got her back first, rubbing the shit real good, then rolled her over and oiled her tits. She looked beyond me throughout the rubdown, lost in some creepy ass vampire space, dreaming about god knows what.

  I picked up my glass dick and held it to her mouth. “Another hit?”

  She took it, she took it real deep, and I nodded. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to show you.”

  She grabbed my hand and followed me outside.

  She walked about halfway to the mailbox before she realized she was on fire.

  “Ah!” she screamed. “Help me! Help me!”

  “Gladly,” I said, unzipping my pants and pulling my bruised dick out. I pissed on her until she was nothing but ashes, blowing in the morning breeze.

  I tried putting my dick back in my pants, but it broke off in my hand. I stared at it, suddenly overcome with emotions. I looked up and saw Mrs. Thomas, the neighbor, staring at me from her yard. She was shaking her head like she was fixing to call my mama.